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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27275395">The Weight of Everything</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookfluence/pseuds/bookfluence'>bookfluence</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Depression, F/M, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Mental Health Issues, Post-Episode: Jedi Knight, Sabine Has Been Through A Lot, Sabine Wren Needs a Hug, the Rebellion needs therapists</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 03:27:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,310</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27275395</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookfluence/pseuds/bookfluence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sabine finds herself in a depressive state. Ezra tries to help her.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ezra Bridger/Sabine Wren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>44</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Weight of Everything</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>For the sake of this fic, let's pretend there is more time between Jedi Knight and the final attack on Lothal. This is a heavy fic. Sabine is literally in a depressive state, so please read at your own discretion. Sabine doesn't always outwardly display her true thoughts and emotions, and I wanted to explore what that may look like post-Jedi Knight.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sabine sat in the dark. The weight of everything rushed over her, flowing through her. She couldn’t find the strength to peak out of the darkness; it was so much easier to succumb to it. She longed for and dreaded the idea of someone coming in to find her. It felt like her body was breaking. Her soul was shattering into tiny pieces, and she couldn’t put her finger on one exact reason why. It was just everything. Ahsoka. Kanan. The Rebellion. Her family. Everything that’s about to happen in Lothal. Her own thoughts and feelings that she’d grown up with and became accustomed to over the years. It was all too much.  </p><p>	She thought she had a better grip on this. The darkness. The emptiness. The loneliness. It hadn’t haunted her in so long. She was better than this. <em>Stronger</em> than this. The weight of her armor wasn’t enough tonight. So she tried to hug her body close, to curl her stomach closer into her spine, and tuck away. At this point her breaths became shallow and her body shook with tremors. She felt her weakness. That’s what her mother always called it anyway. Continuing to sit in bed, because it took too much effort to lay down, Sabine winced at the mere action of resting her head on the back of the wall. She wanted to disappear. To fade into the Force or whatever lied ahead. Surely it was less painful than <em>this</em>. </p><p>	<em>If I just slip into sleep</em>, she thought, <em>then I can just forget for a few hours. It’ll all just nod into nothingness</em>. A temporary medication for the emptiness in her soul. At some point, her body gave up trying to feel the hollowness and just gave into it. </p><p>	Later in the night, the door to Sabine’s cabin opened. A young man stopped and stood still in the doorway. The faint night lights from the hallway shined into the small room. It illuminated his figure. Sabine stirred awake, but she couldn’t bring herself to do anything more than open her eyes. </p><p>	Ezra looked at her half-dazed and half-desperate gaze from the entryway. <em>Oh Sabine</em>, he thought. </p><p>	He crossed the room to sit at the edge of her bed. Usually, when things got bad, she poured herself into her art. He looked around at the room. Barely-started art scattered the floor, and dishes semi-filled with food piled up on the corner of her desk. It looked like she gave up. Like she just decided the paintings weren’t worth the effort and it was too hard to finish a meal. </p><p>	Ezra peered at her again. He noticed that her armor was still on, <em>under</em> her nightclothes. It looked like she tried to get herself ready for bed but didn’t understand the task she was trying to complete. Not really knowing what else to do, he simply asked, </p><p>	“Can I hold you right now?” </p><p>	Sabine couldn’t bring the strength to her voice, so she barely nodded her head. She winced inside at the amount of effort it took just to make the motion. </p><p>Ezra crawled over to where she sat against the wall. He tried to make as little movement on the bed as possible. Once he reached her, he slowly pulled his arm around her body. His other hand reached up to lower her head onto his shoulder. </p><p>	They sat in that position, in the quietness of their breathing, for a long time. Sabine was the one to break the silence.</p><p>	“Ezra, I’m breaking.” Her voice was hoarse, just barely over a whisper. </p><p>Ezra reached his head down to whisper in her ear:</p><p>	“‘Bine, you’re not breaking; you’re hurting. And it’s okay to hurt.”</p><p>	“I’m weak.”</p><p>	Ezra cupped her cheek to turn her head towards him. </p><p>	“Sabine, you try to hold emotions up. They’re like the weights in the training room. And you are so, so, so strong that you can hold many at a time. Sometimes you throw the weight across a room to get it off your chest when your anger builds up, and sometimes you just hold on to it in order to produce endurance and strength. And sometimes, Sabine,” he paused to push back a small piece of hair that fell over her eyes, “Sometimes you need a spotter because the weight is just a little too heavy to bear alone. You’ll build up the strength to endure it by yourself in the future, but right now you need someone else to help you. You can let me help you, Sabine.”</p><p>	Ezra felt the small shakes of her body and the wetness of her tears on his shoulder. He let her sit in the emotion for a while. Once he felt the quiet sobs eased up, he asked, </p><p>	“When is the last time you ate or used the fresher?”</p><p>	Sabine shook her head. She didn’t know. </p><p>	“Ezra, I don’t think I can move right now.”</p><p>	He looked at her. His heart broke for her. </p><p>	“That’s okay. I’m going to help you get out of your armor and then I’m going to carry you, okay?”</p><p>	Sabine shook her head. </p><p>	“Not the armor.”</p><p>	“Sabine, I’m not going to be able to help you as well if I don’t take off your armor.”</p><p>“It’s the weight of it that I like. It helps me feel something, even if it’s just the pressure. Most of the time it’s not enough, but it helps.”</p><p>“What do you mean it’s not enough?”</p><p>“Not enough pressure, I guess? I don’t know,” she sighed. </p><p>Ezra made the move to shift her up into a sitting position. He helped place her body in front of his own so she could lean back into his chest. Wrapping both arms around her, he pulled her body in even tighter to his chest. Ezra felt her body tense and then relax at the warmth and pressure that now enveloped her. At some point, Ezra started to hear the quiet breaths that turned deep with the softening of her body falling asleep. </p><p>Sabine realized she must’ve slept for at least a couple of hours when she woke up. She was still . . . dark, but she felt a little better. A little . . . lighter. It was enough that she could grab on to the arms that surrounded her protectively. </p><p>“Hey Sabine,” Ezra whispered gently, after feeling her shift to hold onto his arms. “Can I help you out of the armor now? I think you at least have to try to use the fresher. I’m not going to make you do anything else if you don’t want to, but I can help with anything you need.”</p><p>She slowly nodded in response. Shifting her body into a more upright position, Ezra began to remove the nightclothes and armor from her body. Sabine raised her arms to allow him to take the items off her upper body. Then, he placed one hand firmly on her back and gripped the other one tightly onto her hand. He helped her gradually move into a standing position so she could remove the night shorts and armor from her lower half. </p><p>Standing in just an athletic bra and spandex shorts, she felt him scoop her up into his arms. Ezra began to carry her down the hall and into the fresher. </p><p>He opened the door and helped her get inside, and then he closed the door to give her space and privacy. He ran a hand through his hair and let out a deep breath while he waited for her to finish. The door opened, and he saw Sabine slowly peek her head out.</p><p>“Hey, Ezra, will you help me . . . ummm, will you help me wash my hair?’ She peered up at him, her brown eyes starting to gain back just the smallest spark of their fire. </p><p>Ezra rubbed the back of his neck. He was a bit shocked at the request. Even though they had been around each other physically all night, this just seemed so . . . intimate. </p><p>“Umm yeah, for sure.” He helped guide her over to the edge of the tub-shower. Lowering her to sit in front of the tub lip with her hair hanging over the edge, he grabbed the showerhead off the wall above and started running hot water. </p><p>Ezra began to run the water over her dark hair. He saw her close her eyes and relax into the steam that had started to surround them. He grabbed the shampoo and slowly worked it into her hair. He took the care and diligence to completely rinse out all of the soap after he was done lathering it through her hair. He went to grab a towel and asked, </p><p>“‘Bine, are you cold?”</p><p>“Just a little,” she responded. </p><p>“I’m going to grab a towel. I’ll be right back.”</p><p>Sabine nodded. Washing her hair had helped with everything; she didn’t feel quite as hazy anymore. </p><p>Ezra came back into the fresher with one of his sweatshirts and a towel. He helped her into the sweatshirt and gave the towel to Sabine for her hair. </p><p>“I would try to help you wrap your hair up in it, but honestly, I don’t think it would end well.” </p><p>Sabine gave a small smile in reply. Normally, she would share a comment about how it definitely wouldn’t end well with the towel and that he was just trying to be flirty by giving her his sweatshirt. But tonight, she was just thankful. </p><p>They walked out of the fresher together, each one having an arm wrapped around the other person. Ezra led her into the common area and sat her down at the table. </p><p>“I’ll be back,” he said. Erza moved quickly into the kitchen and started taking things out of the cupboards. He came back after a couple of minutes with two steaming mugs in his hands. He set one on the table in front of Sabine. Then, he reached an arm around her and placed himself in the spot by her side. He heard them both let out a deep breath. </p><p>“Ezra, how did you know?” Sabine stared emptily into her mug. </p><p>Ezra looked down at her, a sad expression appearing on his face. </p><p>“I felt you in the Force. I normally don’t try and read you, but you were projecting so much, Sabine. I couldn’t help but feel you. At first, it seemed like you weren’t able to tell if you needed to call out to someone or if you needed to be alone. I’ve felt it for days, Sabine. But something shifted today. It was worse. Deeper. Darker. Sabine, I’m here for you, and you aren’t alone. We’ve all been grieving, and I don’t think we’ve thought of checking in on each other because it’s easier to sit in our own grief sometimes. I think we try to punish ourselves by not seeking others. I’ve felt Kanan’s peace through the Force about why he needed to do what he did, but I know you never got that closure. Normally, you’re outward with your anger, so, honestly, I was scared when you weren’t reacting. You’ve never felt like this before to me.”</p><p>“I used to.”</p><p>“When?” he inquired. </p><p>“When I was younger, mostly in the months leading up to me leaving for the Imperial Academy. Most of my time in the Imperial Academy too. Some days and weeks were worse than others, but it was never as bad as when I first left the Academy. Ezra, I felt like shit after I left. Actually, I’m not sure I really felt anything. I met up with Ketsu, and I poured myself into bounty hunting. I drank a ton too. I was kind of floating for a while. Nothing I did was purposeful. It was to get the next bounty, to get the next credits, to get the next drink. I even stopped painting for a while. When I joined the crew here, I stopped drinking; Hera doesn’t allow anything on her ship, but I was still slipping into bad places with my feelings. Hera took notice. She helped me work through a lot. She and Kanan were the ones to get me to start painting again too. I started to feel better. More like the old me, or at least who I wanted to be. I had a purpose and drive, and it was really good for a long time. Everything that’s gone down recently was just too much, I guess.” </p><p>“You lost your family for years. You just lost the man who basically became your second father, and we’re fighting a kriffing <em>war</em>. Give yourself some grace.”</p><p>Sabine scoffed. </p><p>“I don’t see you drifting into a pit of weakness right now.”</p><p>Ezra shot her an incredulous look. </p><p>“Remember after Malachor? Sabine, I went to the <em>Dark Side</em>. The actual. Kriffing. Dark. Side. Kanan and I worked through a lot after that as well. I know what it’s like to feel nothing and everything at the same time. But I had to rely on Kanan to help me get through it. Sabine, you have to let me help you.”</p><p>“You have been helping me.” Lifting the mug up to her mouth, Sabine took a small sip of the liquid. It was warm and smooth. She thought it tasted like warm blue milk with . . . nutmeg and maybe cinnamon too. It was good, really good. </p><p>Ezra saw her take a sip of the drink. He said, </p><p>“My mother used to make that for me whenever I couldn’t fall asleep or when I would wake up from nightmares. She said it always reminded her of a hug in a cup. And hugs are a physical representation of love, so it was just another way of saying, ‘I love you.’”</p><p>Sabine leaned further back into him. She looked up into his caring eyes and said, </p><p>“Thank you, Ezra. For everything.”</p>
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